Interviews with Brawlers
by Explosmlolguy
Summary: The brawlers have their reasons for being here. Come see as this and other questions are answered in this one-shot that I just sort of whipped up. Rated T for language.


So I decided I would do a one-shot today. Mostly it's just to keep my brain working and to fill the gap between my last story and whatever I may type up next. I have a couple of ideas, but I'm going to keep them to myself for now. For now, enjoy.

Interviews with the Brawlers

Hello one and all, and welcome to today's fights in the Super Smash Bros. Tournament. The fights scheduled for today are: Marth vs. Samus, Snake vs. Mario, and Link vs. Sonic. Now before we get started with the fights, we want to take some time to interview them. This is a custom we have at the tournament that we do before every first round match. So let's get started, shall we?

Our first contender rules over the far away land of Altea as King. He's the blue haired warrior that almost none of you actually know, Marth.

**Interview 1: Marth**

*Marth will be accompanied by a translator, as nobody here actually knows what the hell he's saying. The translator will repeat Marth's answers word for word. *

So Marth, why have you decided to join the tournament?

"As a King, I feel the need to show everyone else why I am such. The best way to do that is to beat other fighters in this tournament."

Interesting, and you've entered in this tournament before, how did that work out for you?

"I was beaten in the final round by that green clothed freak they call Link. Why, if I get my hands on him, I'll take his neck and twist it so hard that…"

OKAY THEN next question. Do you have any sort of strategy going in to these matches?

"Of course I do. I'm going to take my sword, scream a lot, and hit my opponents with it."

Well, that's certainly a…sound strategy, I guess. Anyways, as you know, there is a prize of One Million of whatever currency the winner wants. In your case, this would be gold. If you win one million gold, what will you do with it?

"I'll probably just give it to the poor who walk my Kingdom's streets. I'm a King, I don't actually need it."

Of course you don't. Now, before we conclude this interview, do you have any final words that you would like to say to your opponents?

"I do actually. I'm going to take my sword, and I will run it through your torsos. And while you stand there, impaled on my sword and screaming in agony, I will swing you around while maniacally laughing at your pain. Then I'll win, because I'm badass."

That, was disturbing Marth. Seriously, I think you need help.

"Quiet fool."

Well, anyways, thanks for coming. And good luck out there, I guess.

And there you have it folks. Our first competitor, Marth, and what seems to be the inner workings of a sadist's mind. I'm actually quite terrified now. I really hope he doesn't kill me in my sleep.

Anyways, on to our next contender. This next contender will be facing against Marth in the first round of the tournament. She was born on the mining planet of K-2L, later Zebes, and now who knows where, and has the most awesome suit I have ever seen, Samus!

**Interview 2: Samus**

Thanks for doing this interview Samus.

"You're welcome."

Yes, now, why did you decide to join the tournament?

"I suppose it's mainly because I was bored. I've joined the tournament every year, and I even won the first year I joined. Boredom, plus the fact that I need to keep myself in shape for the missions I go on."

So, you like to beat up random people just for fun?

"I guess. Is that a problem?"

Uh no, not at all. Just a little creepy I suppose. Anyways, you mentioned that you won the first tournament. Then as you're well aware, there is a One Million dollar choice currency awarded to the winner. What did you use your winnings for when you won, and what will you use them for if you win again? Wait, what currency do you even use?

"That's not important. But to answer your first question: I used some of it to purchase upgrades for my ship, as that is essentially my home. I spend a lot of time in that ship *looks of in to the distance.* Anyways, the rest of the money I had left went to the Galactic Federation for research. I didn't really need the rest of it anyways."

Alright, cool. Do you have any sort of strategy going in to your battles?

"Kicking, punching, and shooting. Need I say more?"

Uhhh, no, I guess. I was just hoping for something that was a little more, well…thought out. Maybe even intelligent.

"Are you calling me stupid?"

Next question then, before I get shot. Do you have anything to say to the rest of the contenders?

"Yes. To all who think they can beat me, I laugh at you. I am the most dominant person in this tournament. If you think differently, then you're in for a rude awakening. Because I will take my arm cannon, and I will blow all of your internal organs out of your body if you think you can beat me. That'll be your only warning."

Why is everyone a complete sadist?

So there's the second interview. Two complete wacked out sadists will be going head to head with each other. It should definitely be a great match, and I only hope that we have enough janitors to clean up the blood that's spilled. Because from the way they talked about hurting their opponents, there's sure to be a lot of it spilled.

Now before we get to our next interview, I would just like to remind everyone to stay away from psycho sadist competitors like those two. We here at the tournament don't like to see the peanut gallery get killed by the competitors.

So now that we've avoided potential lawsuits, let's get on to the next competitor, shall we?

Our next competitor is certainly a man of mystery. Currently living in an undisclosed location and quietly doing covert missions handed to him, he is the one and only, Solid Snake.

"David."

David then! Thanks for coming David.

**Interview 3: Solid Snake (David)**

Snake, you have been noted are quite possible the biggest surprise addition to the roster this year. Why do you think that is?

"I'm usually doing more important things, like saving the world from Bio-weapons. You know, things not as stupid or trivial as this."

Ok then, if it's so stupid and trivial, why did you decide to join?

"So people would actually shut the fuck up and stop bothering me about it. Do you know how annoying it gets when random people you don't know ask you if you're going to join some random ass fighting tournament? Let me tell you, it's pretty annoying."

But certainly the prize money must appeal to you.

"Not really, I get paid pretty well as it is."

Well, let's say you do win the tournament. What will you do with the money?

"Probably spend it all on things I don't actually need. That's pretty commonplace for me these days."

You really don't seem all that interested in the tournament.

"Do you enjoy being stupid? Or is this just a special time? Because I'm pretty sure I've answered things like this twice now. I don't really like , but I'm doing it so people shut up."

Sorry then. Have you thought of any strategy you might use?

"I'm going to shoot the fuck out of them. Basically, I'm going to blow everyone's minds."

Yeah, while we're on the topic of shooting people, where the hell does the helicopter come from?

"Haha, wouldn't you like to know?"

Yeah, on second thought I don't really want to know. It seems as if we're running out of time, so on to the final question. Do you have anything to say to the other competitors before we end this interview?

"Sure. I'm going to string all of you up by your intestines and laugh while I'm doing it. I'm bored, and that sounds like a fun thing to do. So just expect something like that to happen."

Dear God, why must all of you be complete psychos?

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING PSYCHO I WILL END YOU!"

OH NO SOMEONE SAVE ME HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*At this point, we had to suspend the interviews as Snake was trying to violently stab the interviewer. We apologize for this. The interviewer sustained minor bruising from running in to objects placed around the room, and promptly went home. But we did have another interviewer on hand, so not to worry.*

Well, I'm sure happy that it wasn't me who got chased around with a knife. Sucks to be that guy. Anyways, that was David, and I would avoid him at all costs if you enjoy living.

Next up, we have a face that everyone should be familiar with. He's saved Princess Peach countless times, and may just end up in a hospital after his fight with Snake. He is Mario!

**Interview 4: Mario**

Thanks for the interview Mario, it's certainly a pleasure.

"LETSAGO."

Yeah, don't do that. Anyways, you've been in every Super Smash Bros. tournament so far. Why do you keep coming back?

"Well-ayouseeIjustlike---awhatI'msaying?"

What are you saying? I didn't understand a damn word of that.

"FUCK YOU!"

Uhhh, no. Anyways…

"LETSAGO"

DAMN IT STOP! Anyways, you haven't actually won the tournament yet, but you've gotten pretty close. If you do win, what are you going to do with the prize money.

"Drugs."

Wait…drugs?

"Yes drugs."

You're one of the greatest role-models, and you're talking about spending a million coins on drugs?

"Yes."

That, that's just sad Mario, but whatever. On to the next question. Do you have any strategy planned out for this fight?

"Imma gonna light everyone on fire and watch as they run around and burn. Then Imma stomp ."

Well, I sort of understood that…

"LETSAGO!"

F….eh…..I fucking hate you.

"WAHOO!"

Let's just get this over with. Do you have anything else to say to your competitors?

"Yes. First, I would like to say…"

ALRIGHT THANKS FOR COMING! Let's get on to our next interview before I'm tempted to punch this man in the face. Seriously Snake, I hope you kill him.

"BUT I'M NOT DONE YET!"

YES YOU ARE!

*At this point, the interviewer can be seen forcefully pushing Mario out of the door. We don't usually encourage doing this to the competitors, but under the circumstances we let it slide.*

I need a good therapist, really. But on to our next competitor, who currently resides in the land of Hyrule. Like Mario, he saves a princess a lot. Unlike Mario, he's not annoying and is pretty much silent about 97% of the time. I'm VERY glad to introduce, Link!

*Since Link is like, mute or something, he'll be writing his responses down on a piece of paper. It's a lot easier than actually getting him to talk, trust us.*

**Interview 5: Link**

Thanks for coming to this interview Link. I mean really, THANK YOU. As long as Mario is gone, we can all be happy and I won't be forced to strangle him.

"Uhhh, no problem I guess."

Alright, down to business. So as everyone knows, you're also a veteran of the Super Smash Bros. tournaments. You even won the last tournament. Simply put, what are your reasons for joining?

"Well, I think of it more as a friendly competition. I suppose when I'm not off destroying Ganandorf or some other evil or saving that useless Princess Zelda, I need something to do. Hyrule isn't all that fun to be honest."

Fair enough, it actually seems like you're sane. Thank you for being so.

"You're welcome…I guess."

So when you received the million rupees, what did you end up doing with them?

"I actually didn't do much with them. We Hyrulians are completely unadvanced by everyone elses means, and things are relatively cheap, so I still have a lot saved up. But I did buy a bunch of supplies that I needed for my many random quests."

Um, ok. So does that mean you'll just save up the rupees if you win again this year?

"Fuck no, are you kidding? I'm going to go drink until I'm dead!"

Wait, but you just…nevermind. Do you have any sort of strategy going in to this tournament?

"Hit things with a sword, throw bombs, and be a cheap bastard with the arrows."

Yeah, it seems as if everyone is just going to be vague like that too. Anyways, I don't really have much else to say, so I'm going to end this interview. Do you have anything else that you would like to say to the other competitors?

"Just that I wish them all good luck as they plummet off of the stage and watch as I'm crowned the victor, ultimately leading to them being depressed enough where they will attempt to kill themselves."

That's pretty messed up Link, but at least you're not threatening to hang them with their intestines or anything. Thanks for coming, now leave.

Mercifully, we only have one more competitor to interview. He currently resides on the planet Mobius, and is the fastest thing on legs, say hello to Sonic.

Woohoo, I'm almost done. I mean, HELLO SONIC, and thanks for coming to the interview.

"No problem."

Yeah, anyways, you're also another new participant in the Super Smash Bros. tournament, but not nearly as surprising as a few other people. What are your reasons for joining?

"It just looked like fun, plus I just want to prove that I can beat anyone at this."

You're pretty cocky for a first time brawler, aren't you?

"Well, I am faster than everyone else. They'll never be able to catch me!"

Yes, and from what I understand, you had some exhibitionary matches with a few of the brawlers. How did those work out for you?

"They went great! Well, that is, until I ran off of the stage. I mean, who makes stages that small?"

You do realize that these are for fighting, and not running around as fast as you possibly can, right?

"Oh, well then that might explain why I lost all of those matches."

Actually I'm pretty sure you just suck.

"…"

Anyways, if you win, what will you do with the prize money? Wait…is there even any currency used on Mobius?

"Well, it's sort of complicated really. But I'll just say that there is. Anyways, if I win, I'll just give a bunch of it to my friends. I wouldn't spend all of it on myself."

I'm just surprised that any of the contestants have morals. Now, I'm going to deviate from the shitty interviewing script, and ask this: How are you so fast?

"Cocaine!"

Oh no, not another drug addict.

"What? I didn't quite catch that."

Nothing, nothing at all, really. I'm just going to get this over with. Do you have anything you would like to say to any of the other competitors?

"I'm faster than all of you guys, so you better bring you're a-game if you want to beat me!"

Yeah, because that's been working out so well…

"What?"

Nothing, thanks for coming.

So there you have it folks, interviews with the not so sane of the brawlers. Hopefully none of you actually encounter people like this on a daily basis, because that would be horrible if you did. Just be grateful that the majority of you are actually normal and not sadistic, drug addicted, freaks like these guys.

Well, unfortunately, until next time everyone!

**End Interviews**

So, how was it? I know it's probably not the greatest thing in the world, but I'm also not the greatest author in the world. Far from it actually. But feel free to comment or whatever you do now. Like I said, I have a couple of ideas, but we'll just wait and see what happens. I have to get through the damn flu this week and exams next week.


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